Such A Lonely Day
by emonkey9
Summary: Edward leaves Bella in New Moon from Edward's POV. Then what Edward is up to while he is gone.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Twilight or any of these characters. I don't own the lyrics to the song below. **

**I thought it would be really cool to write this part of New Moon from Edwards POV, just for fun.**

**Please review and ENJOY!**

_Such a lonely day  
And it's mine  
The most loneliest day in my life_

Such a lonely day  
Should be banned  
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life  
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day  
Shouldn't exist  
It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day  
And it's mine  
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,  
I wanna go with you  
And if you die,  
I wanna die with you  
Take your hand and walk away  


_The most loneliest day of my life  
The most loneliest day of my life  
The most loneliest day of my life  
_

_Such a lonely day  
And it's mine  
It's a day that I'm glad I survived_

Lonely Day, System of a Down

I had already made the decision, and I had been gradually disconnecting myself from her for the past couple of days since it had happened. The smell of her blood still pulsed from the wound on her arm, that I had caused, and it ripped through my throat, making it harder than usual to resist, but not impossible. If not for me all it would be is a small paper cut; nothing that wouldn't require stitches. Because of me she was suffering, the gash must still be hurting. But now, as we walked through the forest slowly, I did my best to hide any hint of what I was about to do. I kept my expression sheer and was thankful for being able to lie. I tried not to focus on the future, and took one step at a time, compiling a believable performance.

Her hand was warm in mine, and I could feel her anxiousness. Was I a worse liar than I thought I was? I couldn't put it off any longer, I leaned against a nearby tree, the house still in vision.

"Okay, let's talk." She sounded brave, but I could see that she was cowering in her own head. I sucked in a breath, tasting her sweet scent on my tongue.

"Bella," Her name singed my throat on the way out, it hurt more than the fire raking the walls, "We're leaving." She did as I did and took in a heavy breath. She seemed slightly confused.

"Why now?" Her voice was weak, "Another year—"

" Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he is claiming to be thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." It took all of my strength to keep my expression clear, my eyes not revealing my true emotion.

Her beautiful face became confused, and she pondered over what I had just said for a long moment. Her large eyes grew agonized, and she realized what I was trying to say. She realized that I was leaving her. Completely frozen in a state of mental shock from the fierce emotional blow I had just dealt, She began to speak. " When you say we—"

"I mean my family and myself." I pronounced each word with complete distinction, as if I was talking to a small child. A hard pain cracked through my chest, and it felt as if parts of me were already falling away. I stared at her coldly, strengthening the emotional blow even more. Her head shook back and forth, and her expression went to back and forth from confused to agonized, like she was grasping it, then losing it again, repeated over and over. I watched Bella, waiting, agonizing, the few minutes she was speechless felt like an eternity.

"Okay, I'll come with you," The way she said it made me want to tell her to forget everything she had just said, Bella said it loyally, like it was so obvious that that was what she was going to do.

"You can't Bella," I said, I began to detach myself completely in my head, letting myself go on auto pilot like I always did when I lied, "Where we're going…It's not the right place for you." It really wasn't, it slightly comforted me that this wasn't all a lie.

"Where you are is the right place for me," This was difficult, this would take hours. So I used another truth, one that she would never admit to herself, one that I always told myself.

"I'm no good for you, Bella," The pain cracked right through my chest again.

"Don't be ridiculous," She argued, she still wouldn't admit it. She went on, but her tone changed from an argument to a plea, "You're the very best part of my life."

"My world is not for you," I told her, another truth, which we both knew very well.

"What happened with Jasper, that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She was screaming out the words with a weak, sweet voice. She didn't seem to realize that, though.

"You're right," I forged an agree.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—"

"As long as it was what was best for you," I said, the pain cracked through once more, festering in my chest, I found it harder to keep my breathing even. I took in more of her scent discreetly, savoring it.

"NO! This is about my soul isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward!" My name escaped from her lips in a strangled scream, it was nice to hear just the same because of where it came. My love. My life. My source off all happiness in the world. All of it, it was all deteriorating before me, and I was causing it. I truly wanted to die just for leading her on this far, I could tell by the way that Bella looked at me that this was going to be easier than I thought. She seemed to believe me, "You can have my soul, I don't want it without you! It's yours already!" As mine was hers. Another crack.

I took another deep breath, clearing my mind, keeping my expression clear. Staring at the ground, not seeing anything but her face, I prepared myself for the sadness on it when I looked up. I was victorious in keeping my expression the same as I saw her staring at me with a look of unfathomable sadness, and nearly grief, she believed me.

"Bella," Another crack, and then another, "I don't want you to come with me." I spoke as if I was speaking to a small child again. She absorbed the new blow, and looked at me, be wildered.

"You—don't—want—me?" She choked the words, seeming to test them out to see if they made sense.

"No." I spoke blandly, detaching myself more.

"Well, that changes things," Was she really giving up this easily? She was confused, and sad. No, not sad, grieving. Another crack trembled right through my chest, this time it felt like a piece of me broke away completely, half of my chest gone.

"Of course, I will always love you, in a way," The same way I had always loved her, with my entire existence, "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because…I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't," she said, "Don't do this."

I just looked at her. Keeping my expression smooth I imagined her features weren't twisted with pain, and memorized her face. "You're not good for me, Bella." Another crack, another piece.

"If that's what you want," she said, but what I wanted was for her to be safe, and that. I could see what this was doing to her, it was killing her, I could see her hair dulling in its shine, bags forming under her eyes. I could practically see pain radiating in her chest like it did mine. I nodded.

"I would like to ask one favor though, if that's not too much," I said.

Then, I finally broke, I could feel the agony ripple across my face, but I composed my expression quickly, I prayed she didn't see.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I couldn't bear it if my sweet Bella was hurt. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care for yourself—for him." She nodded slowly.

"I will," she whispered. It seemed only right to give her something, after leaving her, then asking her for a favor.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I said, giving her at least one thing, "I promise that this will be the last time you will ever see me, I won't come back," Another crack through me, another piece gone, I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore inferences to me. It will be as if I never existed." She began to start shaking, her knees giving way slightly putting her in an unstable state. Again, I wanted to beg her to forget what I just said, to carry her back to the house and plea forgiveness. I didn't know how I could possibly keep my promise, but I had to try.

"Don't worry. You're human—you're memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wound for your kind, " I smiled at that, knowing that one day, she would finally heal, or so I hoped.

"And your memories?" She asked, I wanted to scold her for worrying about me after what I had just done to her.

"Well," I pondered, "I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted." I smile again, I was thankful for that, but this pain wasn't going to be forgettable. I could feel it would never stop. Another clack trembled through my chest, and an even larger piece left me, By the time this was done, I would be nothing, only a ghost. She looked surprised now.

"Alice isn't coming back," she said, shocked. She knew that Alice and Jasper went away, she didn't know they were staying there.

"No, they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye." I said.

"Alice is gone?" she breathed. I had not only taken her love, my love from her, but I had taken her best friend, her other family. I was a monster, but it had to be this way, so she wouldn't be hurt, I couldn't bear that. The face that I caused it made it even worse.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you," I blinked hard, took a deep breath, and spoke the words I thought I would never speak, "Goodbye, Bella." Her name crumbled through me, cracking through my entire form, it was an unbearable pain, but I kept it under control. I kept my face blank, my eyes glassy and clear of any emotion. I was better at this than I thought.

"Wait!" She sounded like she was being strangled, she stumbled toward me, arms extended. I reached back to her, but caught myself and instead of entangling her in my arms and pulling her against my chest, I grabbed her wrists. Her skin was warm and soft, I would miss it. Pinning her wrists at her side, I kissed her forehead one last time. I inhaled her scent as it burned my throat.

"Take care of yourself," I whispered against her face. Tears oozed from the corners of her closed eyes, I wish she would open them so I could stare into them one last time.

And then I ran.

I ran away from her, deep into the forest, then circled around back to her house, to where the final remnants of her memories of me stated. I ducked into the window as I always did. Grabbing the plane tickets from my parents, and the CD I gave her, I jumped out the window. And then I remembered, l the pictures she had taken. Leaping back into the house I grabbed the scrap book and pulled out the pictures, then took it all back to my house. Where I put it all in a pile in the fireplace, and struck a match. I sat there, staring at the match until it burned to my fingertips. I blew it out, picked up all of the gifts, and, went back to Bella's house. I sniffed the air, she wasn't there yet, I didn't know where she was, but I climbed to her room, and yanked up on of her floorboards. I couldn't bear to take them from her completely, and I couldn't bear to destroy them completely like I had planned to.

I walked slowly through the house, breathing in the scent of her, and slowly walked through the back door. Then I ran to the house again.

I couldn't even make it to the door. I fell to my knees on the porch. I clumped on the porch, agony rolled through me. It felt like my entire chest was gone, I had left my heart with her. I trembled like I was crying, but no tears flowed. Everything was empty, all of me focused on the pain. How could she believe me? I had told her so many times that I loved her, and only her. That I would never stop. Ten minutes and she believed me. It was torture. I deserved it though; I left her with no sense of my love. I sat there, crumpled, until they showed up.

Rosalie, even, had a face twisted with pain, but everyone else's was much worse. Esme sat down beside me. She smoothed my hair and crooned soothing things. Sometimes her maternal instincts were what I was most thankful for, other than Bella, but she was gone. I felt a little better, knowing that someone loved me despite what I just did. Carlisle got the car ready, and it idle in the driveway while everyone herd into the house. I got up, feeling my face crumple in sadness, and walked to the piano. Staring at the keys for a while, I looked up to see everyone gathered around again. Emmett was sitting on the ledge by the door; he was the only one not looking at me. His face was in his hand, and I could feel pain rolling off of him. Alice sat next to me, looking at me with pleading eyes.

"Play it," she begged, I couldn't say no. I wanted to hear it too.

Esme and Rosalie walked away. Rosalie put her arm around Emmett's waist and pulled him upstairs. Jasper sat in the car outside, staring blankly through the window. Pure agony, Everywhere.

Carlisle went into the back yard, and leapt over the river to hunt before we all left. It was only me and Alice now, and I turned to the keys. Playing the lullaby Bella had inspired, the most beautiful piece of music I had ever heard.

When it was over I looked at Alice, she was practically shaking, her eyes looked glassy, like she was going to cry, that was how I felt. I remembered the smell of Bella's tears, when I kissed on the forehead. My lips felt like they were tingling as I remembered the warmth of her forehead against my lips. I wished I could kiss one more time, to lie next to her again and watch her dream.

Never again.

I sank deeper into the pain and wrapped my arms around me sister.


	2. Chapter 2

In this farewell,  
There's no blood,  
There's no alibi.  
'Cause I've drawn regret,  
From the truth,  
Of a thousand lies.

So let mercy come,  
And wash away…

What I've Done.  
I'll face myself,  
To cross out what I've become.  
Erase myself,  
And let go of what I've done.

Put to rest,  
What you thought of me.  
While I clean this slate,  
With the hands,  
Of uncertainty.

So let mercy come,  
And wash away…

What I've Done.  
I'll face myself,  
To cross out what I've become.  
Erase myself,  
And let go of what I've done.

For What I've Done

I start again,  
And whatever pain may come.  
Today this ends,  
I'm forgiving what I've done.

I'll face myself,  
To cross out what I've become.  
Erase myself,  
And let go of what I've done.  
(Na na na na, na na na na, na na na na, na na na na)  
What I've done.

Forgiving What I've Done.  
(Na na na na, na na na na, na na na na, na na na na)  
Forgiving What I've Done

Time slowed down. There was nothing I could do to keep my mind off of her. I felt hollow, completely empty, I was only alive in the outside. I tried everything; hunting, running, reading anything I could get my hands on. Only hunting seemed to take my mind away from Bella, but only slightly. I hunted everything, anything I could find. I had decided that I would protect and love Bella from far away. I was going to love her always, no doubt, but protecting her was going to be harder. Victoria was out there. I was going to hunt her down the best I could, even though I wasn't a tracker, I would still do it, for Bella.

Alice was mad at me, that was for sure, in the car ride, she glowered out the window. It was just me and her in my Volvo. We were going to visit Denali, then I was going to part with my family, and track down Victoria. I glanced at Alice right at the moment her thoughts changed.

_I really miss her. _

That did it. I fought control so I wouldn't rip the steering wheel apart. The car found its way off the road…just a few inches from a tree, and I shoved the brakes down as hard as I would be able to without breaking it. Then I collapsed over the steering wheel. For once I wished I could feel tears fall from my eyes. Smelling them would remind me of Bella, and how whenever she was sad, I would brush her tears away with my lips, wrap my arms around her, and rest my cheek on her hair. Sometimes I would say calming things, tell her I love her, or even kiss her even though I would always hate myself afterward for putting her through that kind of danger. Instead of actually feeling tears, I cried tearless sobs.

Alice sat there next to me. Since vampires couldn't produce tears; from the small whimpers that sounded from her chest were her own tearless cries. I shoved my door open, and made my way through the forest at a human pace. I couldn't take it anymore.

Alice shouted behind me, "EDWARD! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" She ran and stopped in front of me, her tiny little hands on my shoulders. She looked at me fiercely, shaking my shoulders a little she repeated herself. "Edward," She paused, gauging my probably agonized expression, "_Where_ are you going?"

"I can't do it Alice, everything reminds me of, "I choked through another tearless cry, "h-her, I have to go, keep myself occupied. I am surprised I even made it this far."

Alice looked at me sadly, and then wrapped her little sticks of arms around my waste…That hurt a little, it reminded me of Bella, but I took the comfort willingly, knowing I needed it.

"Can't you just wait until we get to Denali? So you can say goodbye to everyone?" She whispered.

"No, it's hard enough already," I hugged my favorite sister tightly back; she buried her face in my chest and cried a little more. Then she pulled away a little, and looked up at me. She looked like a small child. Of all my siblings, I would miss her the most. We always had a better bond then all the others sibling-wise.

I sat down on a fern, and invited her to sit next to me. She sat down, and crossed her legs. We talked for a while. About our plans, how we were going to pass the time. It seemed like hours, and everyone was probably already to Denali, but we just sat, and talked, until there was only one thing we could talk about, and neither of us wanted to go there.

I sprang lightly from the fern and turned to look at Alice. My sister looked at me with pleading eyes, and then nodded. "It's getting late," I said, "The others are probably worried. I better get going. The keys are in the ignition."

Alice stood, and hugged me tight. I hugged her back. Any shred of affection reminded me of her… But I didn't want to hurt Alice. "Miss you," She said. Her voice broke.

"I'll check back in once in a while. I'll only be gone for a couple months… A year at the most," I tried to muster up a smile. I settled for lifting one corner of my mouth, and laboring for it to make it to my eyes.

"Love you, brother," She said.

"Love you, sister," I replied.

She looked at me for half a second, then ran back to the car, I heard the engine gun to life, and then it faded with an alarming speed.

_Don't forget about us, Edward. Don't forget about _her.

She knew I could hear her thoughts… I ran through the forest. Away from everything, and pondered where I would go, when I was going to see them again, and how long I could take it before I would go back to Bella and plead her forgiveness. I could only think of where I was going, The other two never showed up in my thoughts again. I had to find Victoria and kill her, and love Bella from far away. Only then could I ever even let Bella into my agonized thoughts once in a while.


	3. Chapter 3

**So sorry I have been gone for such a long time, I have had so much to do lately! I don't own twilight or any of the characters. Or The lyrics below. **

_I never really had a problem  
Because of leaving  
But everything reminds me of her  
This evening  
So if I seem a little out of it  
Sorry  
Why should I lie?  
Everything reminds me of her  
The spin of the earth impaled the silhouette of the sun on the steeple  
And I've gotta hear the same sermon all the time now from you people  
Why are you staring into outer space  
Crying  
Just because you came across it  
And lost it?  
Everything reminds me of her  
Everything reminds me of her  
Everything reminds me of her_

_-Everything reminds me of her, Elliott Smith_

I found myself here again, curled up into a ball like a pathetic child, staring at the wall. Esme, Alice, Carlisle, Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett were all in the other room of our hotel suite. I was in the bedroom portion while they all worried over me on the other side of the thin wall.

Her face whirled in my head, her voice ringing in my ears, the taste of her mouth moving against mine lingered on my dry tongue, and the memories of her smell made my nose burn and my throat flame. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the bedside table, disgusted by the paleness of my skin, the flat black of my eyes, my face set with a crazy pained expression. Flames rushed through my throat because I hadn't hunted in almost two weeks. I was weak, pitiful by the way I was letting the misery crumble me so easily. I was stronger than this…Or was I? My head snapped up at hearing a light knock on the door. I growled under my breath.

Alice didn't speak to me as she sat down next to me on the unmade bed, leaning back on her elbows. I only looked at her for a second, then I fell to my side and stretched across the bedspread, rolling onto my back I stared at the ceiling and tried to ignore the look she was giving me.

"Why the hell are you putting yourself through this, Edward, I mean is it so hard to just go back to Bella and explain everything? It's only logical, she's in a lot of pain, _you're_ in a lot of pain, it's pretty much the only thing you can do." She stopped short on her lecture when I rolled onto my stomach and fought back the urge to scream into the pillow, she crawled onto the pillows at the top of the bed and perched about a foot away from my head, she smoothed her hand through my extremely messy hair, straightening it up a little. An agony ripped through me so powerful that I shook. A little at first, but it built up to something completely frightening. My fingers ripped through the thin fabric on the pillows, I dry sobbed into the pillow, letting more excruciating flames rip up and down my throat. I calmed myself, but not quick enough to prevent another scream. I rolled onto my back with quick moment so I could breath air that wasn't being pushed back by a pillow. Alice was sitting calmly, staring at me, waiting for me to calm down. Eventually my little panic attack was reduced to nothing but irregular breathing.

"It's not that simple, please, just leave me alone and in agony like I deserve to be." I panted.

"Shut up," She was literally annoyed, " One day I am just going to go back and tell her everything, I don't know if _I_ can take it much longer…"

I snarled through my teeth "And risked her life like that? Put her through that much senseless and avoidable danger? I swear, Alice, if you even think about—"

"Calm down! It's not like you would know…"

Now I was really mad, I jumped off the bed and recoiled back, growls rumbling through my chest, Alice only looked at me bewildered, then stood, heading for the door.

"Look, I'm really sorry for you, but honestly, use your head. Everyone else is suffering too. I love you but sometimes you can just be such an idiot. And stop getting mad at me when I get visions of her, it's not my fault I'm so tuned in…If anything it's yours for making me watch her when you weren't around to pull her out of harm's way," She clutched the handle with anger and yanked the door open, breaking it off of its hinges, she uttered a low obscene word while I walked into the bathroom looked at myself, "Jasper! The door is broken, come help me fix it, please." The annoyance in Alice's voice made me even angrier at my reflection and I watched as my nostrils flared in the mirror.

I couldn't take it any longer, I growled and snarled as I recoiled my arm back in fury at myself and punched through the glass, holding myself back only slightly so I didn't knock over the wall, making the mirror shatter all over the smooth marble counter, then I sat on the floor, panting and watched as the door creaked open. Everyone stood in the doorway, eyes darting from the shattered glass and to my face, no one seemed surprised, everyone looked sad, and then finally Emmett let out a long, slow whistle and opened his mouth to speak.

"Now _that _ I don't think I will be able to fix."

**Okay, I just want to stress something really quick…**

**This is NOT my perception of what Edward was like all the time when he was away in New Moon. **

**I don't think he goes around punching mirrors and having random anxiety/panic attacks. **

**This is just an outburst he has while checking in with his family.**

**PLEASEEEEEE PLEASEEEEE PLEASEEEEEE REVIEW!!!! I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!!!!**

**Thnx ********!**


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